Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
