"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
