You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
