Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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