I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
