i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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