There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
