You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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