So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
