I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
