please come you make the beer taste better
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
