I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
