he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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