I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
found the other keg... it's in the tree
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
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