i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Dicks are not precious.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
