if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
