I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
