Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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