um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
