my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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