My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
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