:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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