Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
