Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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