apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
