My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
