I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
