I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
