i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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