Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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