i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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