The brown eye won't let me do that either.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
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