Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
