you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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