we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
