i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Randomize
