You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
