meet me or not, i'm out of control
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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