Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
