Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
