If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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