She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
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