No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
