Rock
Scissors
Fuck
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
