I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Everclear isn't food dammit
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
