Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
it's not cheating when I paid for it
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
