you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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