I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
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