if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
