I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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